For an incredibly popular game with a crazy twist at the end (well, a “crazy twist, at least. Well… a “crazy” “twist” at least) the internet’s been pretty good at not making huge jokes out of all the Bioshock Infinite spoilers and ruining it for everyone. So, as a thank you for your restraint, here’s a video that is literally nothing but jokes about Bioshock Infinite spoilers. It’s pretty good.
Oh, also, it might have a couple of Bioshock Infinite spoilers. Watch out.
It’s not the photographer’s fault. Kryptonians are blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. Because there’s a race of out of focus supermen running around the galaxy.
Here’s your three most important Kryptonians. There are a couple more running around. Kal-El should have a mom, and Zod’s got a girlfriend/sidekick. But these are the ones that deserve a poster because, well… they’re guys, I guess? I mean, you know what’s going on here. It’s called The Man of Steel. Don’t expect to be seeing a lot of conversations between two women, unless they’re about a guy, if you know what I mean.
Hit the jump for slightly larger, equally blurry versions of these posters.
The Last Stand
Schwarzenegger is old now. Surely that’s enough premise to carry us through the whole movie.
True Blood: The Complete Fifth Season
I don’t even know. Something about vampires, probably.
My Neighbor Totoro
Everyone loves the Totoro. I don’t get it. It’s okay, I guess, but I’ll never understand why we obsess over it so.
Side Effects
For that person that thinks “Taut psychological thriller” and “Channing Tatum” somehow belong together.
Beautiful Creatures
Because we’ve already burned through vampires and werewolves and teenagers forced to fight in Battle Royale type contests. Witches are the next logical step.
Parker
Jason Statham robs banks. Totally out of character for him.
LEGO Batman: The Movie – DC Super Heroes Unite
Basically just all the cutscenes from LEGO Batman 2. I don’t know why you would need this.
Stand Up Guys
Old gangsters have fun together before the eventual murdering starts. Why precisely you would wait until a guy got out of jail to murder him, I’m not sure. For that matter, I’m not sure why you would murder a guy at all, since he clearly went to jail rather than rat on you? I’m sure it makes sense in context.
Yup, internet’s over. We didn’t realize it, but there were victory conditions built into the internet, and one of them was “Man at Arms Builds a Buster Sword.” So that happened. There’s really no reason to continue. All we can do is tear it all down and restart at a harder difficulty level. Personally, I’m not looking forward to it. Beating RealPlayer was hard enough on easy. I don’t even want to imagine what it’s like on Warlord.
Yup, after months of speculation about whether Famke Janssen would be in The Wolverine, or what part she would be playing, or what she’s be doing, they decided, “Screw it, throw her in the trailer!” So, yeah, she’s part of a dream sequence. Pretty much what you’d expected. Kind of a let down for anyone going she would be reborn as a less shitty Phoenix, or for purple who were hoping that we were going to just ignore the mess that was X-Men 3. Sorry about that.
Otherwise, it’s all what you’d expect. Wolverine saved a dude, years later the side wants to repay him with mortality, but whoops, the guy offering to kill him might not have his best intentions at heart, so a lot of fighting happens. And Wolverine keeps discussing the fact that he’s regenerative powers aren’t working, as though that’s a surprise, and not a procedure that he signed up for. Then he fights a samurai. And possibly a ninja. Cause it’s Japan.
Star Wars: Clone Wars is ending. And we need a new show to replace it, because a world without creepy CG versions of Star Wars characters is a world we just don’t want to live in, I guess. So, Star Wars: Rebels. Basically Clone Wars, but set in the period between Revenge of the Sith and A New Hope. Hopefully that means less goofy robots and more badass Stormtroopers, but time will tell on that one. I’d like to be excited, but I’ve seen too many episodes of Clone Wars to be anything but mildly interested. And even that mild interest is based mostly in the addition of Greg Weisman as an executive producer. Maybe he’ll be able to tell a story in the Star Wars universe that doesn’t bore me to tears. Hopefully.
Meanwhile, Star Wars Detours seems to be completely dead. Sad. I mean, I’m sure I’m the only person who’s sad, but still, sad.
Yeah, that’s how curious I am about playing the franchise owner mode of the latest Madden game. I don’t know if it will be any good, but it’s definitely something I’m curious about trying. Could I get the Oakland Raiders successful again? Will someone ever care about the Jacksonville Jaguars. Can move a team to Las Vegas and rebrand them? Here’s hoping I call the Walk of Shames.
They call it Crowdfarter. Because that’s how I feel about a crowd-funding. It’s all farts. I cringe a little when one of my friends posts another Kickstarter or similar campaign. Well at least Game & Wario isn’t asking for money, and really good they aren’t asking for farts. They just want tweets and likes and they give you stuff.
Check out Crowdfater for yourself.
Remember that Star Wars filibuster? Well now you get some visuals in case it was confusing in any way (only a little). We finally have concept art for the weird Chewbacca spider cyborg thingy.
I was unaware of Rapture-Palooza until now, which looks like a similar movie to This is the End, just not starring famous comedians as themselves. I am pretty sure they will both have Ken Jeong in them, because Ken Jeong will do anything to be anything. Despite the lack of star power, this seems like a slower, plodding version of the over-the-top version featuring James Franco. I don’t know which one will be better because they both are extremely crazy premises. One is an apocalypse, one is the rapture, both will feature terrible people.
