Independence Day 3D Destroys All my Faith in Humanity

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Fuck yes, Independence Day 3D! Coming back July 3rd, 2013!  The fire will be shooting right at you!  Jeff Goldblum’s frantic stuttering will be given the depth we’ve never seen before.  Will Smith’s “Welcome to Earth!” will reach right out and slap you across the face.

No, seriously, why is this happening?  I understand Titanic 3D.  James Cameron made this whole 3D ridiculousness happen.  Of course he was going to apply it to his super popular movie.  That’s a given.  And Star Wars 3D?  Lucas is a whore.  He’ll jump on any bandwagon it it means he’ll be able to re-release those movies again, and squeeze a few more bucks from fans foolish enough to keep falling for his bullshit.

But Independence Day?  Was this something people were really clamoring to bring back?  As far as stupid summer action movies go, it’s fairly memorable, with the exploding cities, and Bill Pullman’s (not Paxton) ridiculous speech, and the hacking an aliens ship with a MacBook nonsense (which, actually, they flat out state that all our technological advances in the last fifty years came from reverse engineering the alien ship, so that’s not as ridiculous as people make it out to be) and of course the fact that it’s the movie where Will Smith went from “goofy rapper on that tv show” to legitimate action star.  These are all good reasons why people are more likely to know what you’re talking about when you bring up Independence Day than they would if you brought up Volcano.  But they’re not good reasons to being the movie back and make it 3D.  That’s just stupid.  If you must bring back Independence Day make it a sequel.  Or a shitty tv show starring Richard Dean Anderson.  Don’t waste my July 4th weekend on a movie I saw when I was twelve.