Adewale is that giant ex-slave guy that’s always hanging out near Edward in the Assassin’s Creed IV trailers. He’s also the star of Assassin’s Creed IV’s first DLC, Freedom Cry. So, at some point he’s gonna get Assassined up himself. If the fact that he’s best buds with an assassin didn’t clue you in to the fact that was going to happen, well… sorry. It’s gonna happen, and he’s going to be giant and awesome and he’s got a machete! Hell yeah.
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Because Farcry 3 Guy (I’m sure he had a name, but I’m also sure I don’t care) had a whole bunch of totally rad tattoos, and because Ubisoft seems to be trying to squish all their franchises into one, now Edward Kenway also has a bunch of awesome tattoos. Tattoos that tell the tale of how he’s a super extra badass pirate assassin that also doesn’t do too shabby with the ladies. Alright.
And we have officially reached pirate assassin overload. This game is still three weeks from being launched, and I’m sure there are plenty of folks that have already had too much of it. This happens every year, guys. Slow down with the ads.
Offering a counterpoint to Captain Phillips’ claim that pirates are kind of jerks comes this trailer for Assassin’s Creed IV, which says “Yeah, sure they’re jerks, but they’re also fucking awesome.” And they are, aren’t they? Sorry, Royal Naval Museum, we totally get where you’re coming from, but pirates are just too badass not to idolize, even if some part of us knows objectively that they’re fantastic dicks.
You gotta give this trailer some credit, too. A substantial number of you are probably finishing up Grand Theft Auto V Five right now, in preparation for the online component launching tomorrow, so you’re probably really all about heists right now. Perfect time for Assassin’s Creed IV to bust out some pirate heists. Let’s just hope that these heists are going to be actual heists, with exciting and elaborate plans with multiple team mates and all that jazz, and not just, like, “That boat is full of gold. Shoot it until it stops, then take the gold.” That’s fun enough on it’s own, but it feels disingenuous calling it a “Heist.” Sure, it might be technically correct, but if you say “Heist” in pop culture, you know what we mean. Maybe we don’t need Ocean’s Eleven here, but we want at least Ocean’s Five. Maybe Six.
Pirates are jerks. They steal your shit and blow up your boats and murder your crew. They are not nice folks. But, hell, we just spent eight hundred million dollars in one day to play a game where we steal cars and rob banks and murder folks. So pirates just don’t seem like that big a deal in comparison.
So, let the voice of Edward Kenway introduce your favorite assholes from the glorious age of piracy. You’ll meet Edward and.. that other guy. And Blackbeard! We all love Blackbeard! And Stede Bonnet, who, well, I’ve murdered that dude so many times in Sid Meier’s Pirates, never knew he was such a fop. Oh, and there’s also some dude who doesn’t like pirates. Which makes perfect sense, in this list of pirates, right? Sure.
I get it. Multiplayer adds additional life to the game, ensuring that you’re far less likely to beat the game in four days and then turn around and sell it back to GameStop. Every day that you’re playing multiplayer is a day that someone might be buying the game new and actually giving Ubisoft some money for making the game, instead of giving GameStop money for, you know, nothing.
But does anyone still care about Assassin’s Creed Multiplayer? When Brotherhood first included multiplayer it seemed like the dumbest thing in the world, but somehow ended up being the most awesome thing the world. Still, that was three games ago. We’ve seen it all before. The only really difference seems to be “Now there’s slightly more guns.” Not a huge selling point. Gotta say.
You were just about to make the plunge, right? You were going to break down and buy a PS Vita so that you could finally experience Aveline’s adventures. But now that’s ruined. Assassin’s Creed: Liberation is coming to current-gen consoles and PCs. You’ve managed to avoid Sony’s handheld for that much longer. Fantastic.
Even better, you’ll be able to play a version of this game that’s almost completely free of ridiculous PS Vita gimmicks. No needing to point your system at a light source to reveal a note, or doing stupid touch screen navigation, or anything involving motion controls. You can actually just play the game part of the game. So much better. Now if we can only get a non-PS Vita gimmick version of every PS Vita.
Well, except for Katamari Touch. That was alright.
I know you’re not excited about Assassin’s Creed 4′s “harpooning sea animals” feature. So this may not be the best trailer for you, because that’s totally happening in here. There’s also a decent amount of killing human beings, but I know that’s not really a big deal. We really need to save our compassion for the imaginary moray eel that Edward stabs here.
For everyone else, it’s another one of these. Ashraf once again narrates, but he’s kind of winning me over. He hasn’t really improved at all, but the fact that he just keeps trying, despite lacking anything resembling charisma, is charming. You keep going man.
Unfortunately he does seem to be running out of things to say. He’s talking about diving bells and smugglers forts and stealth again. We’ve already done this stuff. We know all about not having any weapons when you enter a fort from under water. We already know sea creatures might try to eat us. You’ve told us that view points will act as fast travel points. This is a lot of duplicate information.
On the other hand we do get to see a pirate island, complete with a tavern you’ll have to fight you’re way into before you can hire new crew members. A pirate battle showing off some new exciting methods of ship fighting and boarding. And, of course, the aforementioned harpooning where they decide to take down a bull shark, because really, bull sharks are jerks, and probably deserve a mess of harpoons in the side.
All in all, very exciting. A little too exciting, really, since now I know the Xbox One isn’t being released until November 22nd, I’ve got almost four more weeks to wait to play the game. Terrible. Stupid Microsoft, did you even think about my needs when you announced that date? No. Jerks.
Once again Assassin’s Creed IV’s Ashraf Ismail walks us through incredibly exciting gameplay features of his new game. And once again he does it in a tone that makes you wonder if he was recently bitten by a snake, and trying to complete the video before surrendering to sweet death. Listen, Ashraf, I recognize that not every game developer can be Jake Solomon or Stephen Frost. You’re clearly a great designer, the game looks fantastic. But you’re not such a great narrator. Maybe let someone else take over, man.
Still, once again, despite Ashraf’s droning, this manages to look super hot. They’re combining the Assassin’s Creed 3 forts, which were fun to fight through, but kind of pointless, with the Brotherhood and Revelations’ Templar towers features of unlocking the world, so you get the exciting fort battle with the addition of a much meatier reward at the end. And all just covered in pirate-y goodness. Attack the fort with your boat, destroy the defenders, invade with your assassin parkour skills and just murder everyone inside. Leaving you your own fort that will defend your, as well as opening new places to shop and visit. So sweet.
Yeah, it’s Assassin’s Creed, and it looks awesome, and extra piratey this time. But the fact that they still haven’t created one you can launch without a wrist flick is mighty disappointing. I could overlook any other issue with the thing, but the most exciting bit of the blade is that “wrist flick and then there’s a blade” feature. No matter how accurate you make it otherwise the fact that I have to reach over and click it is a bummer.
And as long as we’re complaining, why isn’t there a legitimate replica yet? Maybe without the blade, that would probably had dangerously towards “selling a concealed weapon.” But even if you were to replace the blade with a realistic looking foam you could probably create a fairly accurate replica made out of metal, and with the wrist flick-y feature everyone wants. The stupid Portal Guns sold out almost immediately. There’s probably a decent market for these things. Make it happen, Ubisoft.
Guys… guys. Listen. If you don’t want to make a stealthy game, you don’t have to. You can make a straight up pirate game. You’ll get some angry comments on your YouTube page about how you “Gave up the core of the game.” But those people have been complaining since the trailers for the first Assassin’s Creed. And they’re still complaining. Either they’re never buying another Assassin’s Creed, or they’ve purchased all the Assassin’s Creeds despite their constant complaining. Their decision to purchase this game was made far before you released these trailers.
But if you do decide to get rid of stealth, you can’t have “Stealth” trailers anymore. You can’t call this thing a “Gamescom Stealth Trailer” when Edward does no stealthing. He jumps from the sky, stabs a dude, then challenges four other men to a sword fight. It’s like the exact opposite of stealth. And this is following your your last “stealth” trailer where you thought stealth meant “Blowing shit up.” No, just… it’s a pirate game. You shoot boats with other boats, you find buried treasure, and you get into exciting sword fights. That’s great, we’re very excited about the pirates. Sell that game. Stop trying to sell a game you clearly didn’t make.