This weekend Kevin Conroy confirmed he is in Arkham Origins. Which, great, right? That’s the only real choice for Batman. Except he never actually said he was Batman. But why should he have to? He’s Batman.
Except maybe not? Because it turns out this Roger Craig Smith fellow is Batman. Who? He played Ezio Auditore, so I guess he has experience in playing guys that go on quests of vengeance after their families are murdered. But he’s still not Kevin Conroy, so why’s he playing Batman? And who’s Kevin Conroy playing, if not Batman? It’s gotta be Batman. Probably an older Batman. Possibly with travel time travel? Or maybe just flashbacks? Probably just flashbacks.
But now that I think about it, I’m rooting for time travel. Cause… CO-OP Batmans! Old Batman comes back in time, now you’ve got old Batman and young Batman fighting side by side. Deathstroke doesn’t even stand a chance! Come on time travel!
Note: I didn’t mean to put two Arkham Origins posts right next to each other, but, well, the trailer came along and that happened. Sorry.
Listen, if you’re going to make a trailer for a Batman game, you can’t just have calendars laying around all willy nilly. Now you’ve got me all excited about Calendar Man, but does he show up? No. You’ve got a calendar, you’ve set the game on a holiday, and then you just fill it with deadly assassins? Ridiculous. Give me holiday themed crimes. If the final twist of this game isn’t that it’s all an elaborate scheme concocted by Calendar Man, it’s failed.
But we do have Batman fighting Deathstroke. When we saw the teaser I watched it on my phone, somehow coming to the belief that it was Batman dispatching a series of ninjas, instead of continually fighting one ninja. I also failed to note that ninja was Deathstroke. So, oops. Still, Batman fights Deathstroke, Deadshot shows up, messes everything up, like usual, and Black Mask is unhappy. Then Batman does his threatening “watching things from high up” thing. Pretty much everything a Batman trailer needs.
Batman does not have an easily life. He is only a badass because he has had such a rough life despite his near infinite wealth. Why else would you use your money by becoming a vigilante hero? He’s messed up. And now it gets worse.
Any other character, an encounter with ninjas might actually be something interesting. Cause they’re ninjas. But not Batman. You can try to get us excited for Arkham Origins with Batman fighting ninjas, but it’s not gonna accomplish much. For most folks the response is gonna be “Oh, Batman vs Ninjas? Yawn. Call me when he’s doing something we haven’t seen a million times already.” You’ve gone to the ninja well too many times. You dug too greedily, and too deep, and now ninjas are just nothing special. Just a step above street thugs. You’ve ruined ninjas, Batman. Way to go.
If Scribblenauts has one flaw, it’s that you can’t summon Batman. Which is nuts. No matter what crazy puzzle they might throw at you, the answer is always Batman. But that’s no longer a problem with Scribblenauts Unmasked, which will allow you to Scribblenaut up the whole DC Universe. You won’t even need Batman. Just Scribblenaut Batman’s utility belt. All problems solved. “Get this cat out of a tree?” Batarang. “Save me from this shark?” Bat-Shark-Repellent-Spray. “Get this baby across the river?” Miniature-Bat-Hot-Air-Balloon. Wow, this game’s too easy now. Stupid Batman. Thanks for ruining everything.
Here’s your next Injustice DLC: Batgirl. Which, that’s fine, we love Batman and Batman related characters enough that we’re okay with them taking up almost half the roster, and adding even more Batman characters can only be a good thing that we’ll all celebrate unanimously, right?
But still, part of you wishes it was Oracle, right? Rolling around, punching the shit out of bad guys from her wheelchair. Her super attack could be calling in the Birds of Prey to beat the hell out of her opponent and then star in a terrible TV show. It would be perfect.
Probably a solid use of over 3 years of my salary. Actually using a Shakespeare head to get to this basement is amazing. And hey, the wife is totally supportive. What’s more, there is a wife. And kids! At least the cave is mostly a movie theater. Now the whole family can use this monstrosity. Hurray!
Not sure what Bagram is, I assume it’s a city or base in the Middle East. It’s nice that they are getting creative with their training, and the army has a sense of humor. Plus, their training videos barely last a minute. That’s efficient. That’s the army: use Batman, keep it under a minute, protect the world.