Tag Archive for Box Office

Floaty Bullocks Are Still Our Favorite, Despite Pirate Fighting Hanks

Our weekend box office results, from Box Office Mojo

1. Gravity – $44,265,000
Still coming in number one, even after Neil Degrasse Tyson explained that it wasn’t very scientifically accurate. Jerk.

2. Captain Phillips – $26,000,000
Representing a natural distrust for any pirate that isn’t a lovable rogue. I just wanna see them singing songs, and fighting supernatural monsters.

3. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2 – $14,200,000
Something about puns? I dunno, this is still happening.

4. Machete Kills – $3,797,000
You really thought this deserved to make it into the top five? Enough people said “Yeah, we should go see Machete Kills” to make that happen? Sad.

5. Runner Runner – $3,725,000
Only upon release did someone point out that the only people who care about online poker are probably sitting at home and playing online poker, instead of watching movies.

We Love Space Sandra Bullock

Our box office results, from Box Office Mojo.

1. Gravity – $55,550,000
We’ve seen Space George Clooney before, and he’s never been anywhere near this successful. It’s all about Space Sandra Bullock.

2. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2 – $21,500,000
“A movie where Sandra Bullock floats around in space for two hours? I don’t think we need to worry about that.” Oops.

3. Runner Runner – $7,600,000
Either this is a reaction to Ben Affleck being cast as Batman, or people just really don’t care about online poker.

4. Prisoners – $5,700,000
Hanging on as a few folks hear “Hugh Jackman’s kid is kidnapped” and imagine a much different movie than the end result.

5. Rush – $4,408,000
Had to stare at this title for a solid minute before remembering what movie this was. That’s a good sign.

Food Based Puns Are Pretty Much Always Gonna Be the Winner

Our box office results, from Box Office Mojo.

1. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2 – $35,000,000
Basically you could just spend an hour and a half showing hilariously named food creatures, and we’d all be good.

2. Prisoners – $11,270,000
Oddly enough, most families chose to see adorably animated food animals over the child abductions this weekend.

3. Rush – $10,314,000
No, lemme get out ahead of this one. There’s no Geddy Lee in here.

4. Baggage Claim – $9,300,000
This uh… this is here.

5. Don Jon – $9,000,000
The incredible power of Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s haircut pulls the movie into the fifth spot.

Torturing Paul Dano Is Your Most Popular Option This Weekend, Because of Course It Is

Our box office results, from box office mojo.

1. Prisoners – $21,430,000
Because when asked how they want to spend their weekend, most folks agreed that watching Paul Dano get beat up was on the top of their list.

2. Insidious Chapter 2 – $14,500,000
Poor scary ghost things. I’m sure the inevitable Insidious: Chapter 3, or Insidious: The Prequel That All These Series Inevitably Get for Some Reason will spend more time in the top spot.

3. The Family – $7,000,000
Holding on surprisingly well for a goofy French movie about mobsters. Well done.

4. Instructions Not Included – $5,700,000
Even more surprising. This one’s not even in English, is it?

5. Battle of the Year – $5,000,000
I’m glad all you folks could look past the fact that the movie stars a guy who beat up his girlfriend, because, really, there just aren’t that many movies that let you watch people dance in a group. These films need to be supported or they might die out.

Scary Things Near Patrick Wilson Continues to Be Enthralling

1. Insidious Chapter 2 – $41,050,000
This thing. Patrick Wilson will just continue to be near a scary thing that appears in between cuts forever at this rate.

2. The Family – $14,500,000
Robert DeNiro, we love your self parody so much when you’re not wrapped in mo-cap.

3. Riddick – $7,013,000
Riddick is going to stab so many things in slow motion with weird camera angles.

4. Lee Daniels’ The Butler – $5,582,000
Heh, remember when they cast John Cusack as Nixon? The hell, guys?

5. We’re the Millers – $5,415,000
This is still around! People are still going to see this! No wonder Friends was on the air so long.

Good News, Vin Diesel: Probably Not Homeless

Our box office results, from Box Office Mojo

1. Riddick – $18,673,000
Almost certainly making enough money to keep Vin Diesel from selling his house, which despite the fact he’s in a Fast and Furious movie every year now was apparently a concern. Still, probably not the sort of weekend you want to see if you’re considering funding another Conan in Space.

2. Lee Daniels’ The Butler – $8,900,000
On one hand, Oprah said I had to see this. On the other hand, Vin Diesel will be talking in a gravelly voice. Decisions, decisions.

3. Instructions Not Included – $8,100,000
Yeah. This thing. Way to go. I definitely know what this is, and I’m definitely excited about how much money it made.

4. We’re the Millers – $7,925,000
Still? At least you’re not Disney’s Planes.

5. Planes – $4,274,000
Shit.

The Mortal Instruments Joins the List of Young Adult Series That Just Aren’t Twilight

Our box office results, from Box Office Mojo.

1. Lee Daniels’ The Butler – $17,018,000
Right now “You’re Next” is really wishing they’d convinced Oprah to star in their movie.

2. We’re the Millers – $13,500,000
Another weekend of people seeing this thing, whatever it is.

3. The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones – $9,300,000
Following in the path of other young adult series that just didn’t work out as movies like… that one movie where the girl was a witch, and “Seven Devils” was in the trailer? It had Jeremy Irons! You know what I’m talking about, right?

4. The World’s End – $8,942,000
I thought we had an agreement that we were all going to see this so it would make some money. I was really relying on you to follow through on that agreement, because I was playing Saints Row IV all weekend.

5. Planes – $8,567,000
Nope. Not even acknowledging this one.

Once Again, America Expresses It’s Love of Domestic Servants

Our box office results, from Box Office Mojo.

1. Lee Daniels’ The Butler – $25,010,000
You can talk all you want about how Oprah was promoting it, or black churches were organizing trips to see it. But I think we all know the real reason it did so well is that everyone just had to now how the hell John Cusack was chosen for Nixon? Who makes that decision?

2. We’re the Millers – $17,780,000
Continuing to exist despite my inability to remember it’s existence for more than the eight seconds when I’m actively writing about it.

3. Elysium – $13,600,000
Space-Rich people are just the worst.

4. Kick-Ass 2 – $13,568,000
Whoops. Apparently pretty much everyone agreed that we probably didn’t need another Kick-Ass.

5. Planes – $13,141,000
Thus ensuring the eventual “Planes” set for Disney Infinity.

America Wisely Chooses to Only Give Disney’s Planes a Ridiculous Sum of Money

Our box office results, from Box Office Mojo

1. Elysium – $30,400,000
Thus ensuring Neill Blomkamp can continue making movies about important social issues under the cover of blowing some dudes up.

2. We’re the Millers – $26,555,000
I’m still not quite sure what the deal with this thing is. But it’s got Jason Sudekis, and he was Liz Lemon’s second best boyfriend, so I’ll give it a pass.

3. Planes – $22,525,000
Good work on not making this movie number one. Unfortunately the fact that it came in third place and only made twenty two million (only!) hasn’t stopped them from greenlighting a sequel. Unless the movie is so bad it somehow makes the official Planes toys implode, they’ll keep making them forever,

4. Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters – $14,600,000
I tried to warn you. We’re really done with Greek mythology. They should just stop making all those Hercules movies right now.

5. 2 Guns – $11,128,000
In retrospect the “2 Guns” in the title might actually be referring to the two main characters, and not actually an accurate count of guns that appear in the movie.

2 Guns Sates America’s Need for a Movie With “2″ In the Title

Our box office results, from Box Office Mojo.

1. 2 Guns – $27,361,000
Despite the inclusion of substantially more than two guns, this title was enough to distract from the allure of Smurfs also having a two.

2. The Wolverine – $21,725,000
Wolverine goes to Japan, does some ridiculously Japanese-y things. All the Japanese things. Just… all of them. Daniel-San shows up at one point and challenges him to an ice breaking competition. It’s so Japanese.

3. The Smurfs 2 – $18,200,000
Only eighteen million dollars? It’s like you don’t even want terrible CG versions of eighties cartoons anymore!

4. The Conjuring – $13,660,000
Featuring a substantial lack of Demonic face paint.

5. Despicable Me 2 – $10,391,000
People continue to pay money for this. For, reasons.