Tag Archive for GI Joe: Retaliation

Now You Don’t Get to Complain the Next Time a Remake is Greenlit

Our weekend box office results, from Box Office Mojo.

1. Evil Dead – $26,000,000
The new rule is that every time a remake makes it to number one in the box office, you are not allowed to complain about the next remake that is announced. “Why do they keep making them?” Cause you idiots keep paying for them.

3. G.I. Joe: Retaliation – $21,100,000
For that kid that had his GI Joe toys make snarky remarks about cholesterol levels mid-fight. Finally his dream has been made real.

2. The Croods – $21,100,000
Ghost Rider, Gwen Stacy and Deadpool all in one movie? Of course I’m gonna see tha-Oh, it’s a cartoon about Cave Men.

4. Jurassic Park 3D – $18,247,000
A couple million people fall for the old “But what if it looked like the velociraptors were coming right out of the screen?” trick.

5. Olympus Has Fallen – $10,042,000
Who trusts two face as president? He couldn’t even handle being a district attorney without going crazy.

Our New Releases – March 29, 2013

GI Joe: Retaliation
The ridiculously delayed sequel to GI Joe: Rise of the Cobra is finally released, allowing us to finally see all those differently colored ninjas and cool cars that can easily be converted into toys.

The Host
Stephanie Meyer’s Invasion of the Body Snatchers, but with more shiny things. So many shiny things. Like the vampires before them, Stephanie Meyer continues to show her love for things that sparkle.

Tyler Perry’s Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor
Calm down with the title there, TP. Bad enough you’re still attaching your name to everything, but did you think you could distract us from that by adding a ridiculously long subtitle? Just make the ass end of the title so long that no one notices your name up front? We noticed.

Well, Now There’s No Reason to Watch GI Joe

We’ve seen part of this clip before.  Recognizing that the only thing that people are coming to see is multicolored ninjas ninja-ing the hell out of each other, that has been made a major part of the advertising for the movie.  But they’ve gone a little too far this time.  Last time it was all “Oh, man, those ninjas look awesome!” and then we were cut off.  We were left salivating for more.  But this time they don’t get it.  They’ve given us all the ninjas.  Over four minutes of ninja on ninja on grappling hook action.  Why should we even watch the movie?  We’ve gotten our fill of ninja.  Bad move, guys.

Also, making the good guy the faceless character, fighting the much more relatable bad guy?  That’s weird filmmaking.  I know Snake Eyes’ face is supposed to be messed up, or whatever, but still, I’m rooting for the bad guy here.

Bruce Willis and The Rock Scowl At Other Countries


We’re not the only country that appreciates Real American Heroes.  You might think of dreary black and white movies about incest or ennui when you hear “foreign movies” but in those other countries their “foreign movies” are just nothing but explosions.  They really get the long end of the stick on that trade.  So Bruce Willis and The Rock will grimace at other countries to remind them “Sure, It’s in another language, and the translations or subtitles are sketchy at best, but do you really care what the talking between explosions means?  No, you do not.”


That’s Not What Guns Are For!

Here’s Storm Shadow… or possibly Snake Eyes? Which one’s the good one? Snake Eyes? Snake Eyes. Here’s Snake Eyes fighting Storm Shadow, but being entirely unclear on the use of a gun. Like, you could just shoot the guy. Just bang! And then it’s done, and you can go ninja sword someone else, instead of spending the rest of the movie in a sisyphean battle with your arch nemesis. But no, he just shoots throwing stars out of the air, and then proceeds to ninja kick the guy, starting a ninja fight which will take no less than one third of the movie, and probably involve lots of cliff face fighting and, like, upside down fighting and maybe some more steam factory fighting. Which I’m sure is very honorable and stuff, but I think letting all your team mates get murdered because you have to finish some life long grudge is kind of a dick move, honor wise. Just shoot him!

Bruce Willis Leaves His Comfort Zone and Shoots Some Guns

I know you think of Bruce Willis as a dramatic actor, starring in deep thoughtful movies about the human condition.  But this time he’s going to try something a little different with the shooting people and making wisecracks about it.  Heard to imagine him in that sort of role.  But here he is.  Don’t be fooled by the first half of the clip, where he and The Rock stand around chatting.  They eventually remember that this clip is attempting to promote an action movie, and do some action-y stuff.  Eventually.

GI Joe: Retaliation Trailer – Let’s Just Release This Thing Already

Oh boy, GI Joe: Retaliation trailer!  Despite the, I’m guessing, dozens of previous trailers for this movie, they just keep on releasing them.  This one’s got more Ninja fights, more of The Rock and Channing Tatum having fun together, because this is totally a movie about both of them and neither of them are going to die early on in the movie, and a couple cool new tank things that will make just bad ass toys, and isn’t that what this is all about?

Also, that shot of the North Korean diplomat giving the “The fuck, dude?” motion after the fake president insults his country is hilarious.  The rest of this movie might be terrible, but I have to give them credit for that bit.

GI Joe: Retaliation Trailer – Man, Terrorists Really Hate the London Eye

I understand, guys.  You blew up the Eiffel Tower last time, and no one cared. “Oh, no Paris might melt!  Boo hoo!”  That’s a blow to your terrorist ambitions.  So you aim higher.  London!  They speak the same language as America, they have Kate Middleton, who Americans are obsessed with for some reason, but it’s still not an American city, which have all been blown up so many times no one even notices.  That makes sense.  But why do we insist on centering all the attacks on the London Eye?  In the last decade, it’s all we attack.  The city is full of memorable landmarks, Big Ben, Buckingham Palace, that one power plant from that one record cover.  But still, every time it’s a Ferris Wheel.  Oh, no!  Not a Ferris Wheel!  Not a device that a couple of drunk fair workers can build in a couple of hours!

Anyway, otherwise it’s still GI Joe: Retaliation.  The Rock spends a lot of time smirking and/or looking pensive, Bruce Willis makes jokes about being old, and Channing Tatum is probably still going to die.  All about the same.  But now in 3D!

GI Joe’s Latest Poster Assures You “Yeah, It’s 3D Now”


Don’t worry folks, we didn’t delay the movie by months, placing it firmly in the “month that movies forgot” because it was terrible, or because we were slapdashedly trying to jam some new scenes in there that might make it less terrible (because historically that’s worked so well).  No, we were just making it more 3D-y.  That’s all.  The fact that Channing Tatum now inhabits substantially more poster space?  Just a coincidence!  Come enjoy our multi-colored ninjas fighting other multi-colored ninjas near Bruce Willis’s smirking face with no concerns.  It’ll all be fine.

GI Joe: Retaliation Trailer – Same Footage, Somehow Less Fun

After being delayed for several months to make GI Joe more 3D and more Channing Tatum-y, we’ve got a new trailer for the new release and… I’m pretty such this is just the old trailer. I mean, there’s nothing new. Where are all our new Channing Tatum scenes, justifying our delay? These are all the same bits we already saw, but cut in a way and with background music that makes it less exciting than the original trailers. How the hell did they do that? Why would they do that? Why couldn’t they just release the original, not super terrible looking movie? Maybe they just decided to make it terrible, so when it ends up being terrible, they have an excuse. “Oh, it wasn’t our fault! It was the NEW CUT”. Yeah. That must be it.