Tag Archive for Grand Theft Auto

Grand Theft Auto Cops Are So Rude

Don’t you hate when you are trying to have mildly heated discussion on friendship and loyalty and comes in and try to shoot you to death? You try to ignore them and hope they go away, but the just keep firing wildly at your bodies. Blood starts staining your shirts but you have to finish this conversation before you deal with the cops. I mean, your friend was here first. It’s the polite thing to do, unlike these policemen. Guess you’ll have to finish this conversation and then deal with the rude intruders.

Car Explosions in Grand Theft Auto Sort of Beautiful

Grand Theft Auto is easily becoming the new Skyrim when it comes to videos on the internet. I don’t when we are going to run out of them. Here we have a domino chain of exploding cars. It’s like watching poetry in motion.

More GTA Brings More GTA Bugs and Fun

It’s still a Rockstar game. Even with Grand Theft Auto Online, bugs cannot be escaped. Some of these are really fun, and some don’t make sense. Just enjoy it.

Grand Theft Auto Online Is Kinda Dumb


Alright.  Managed to play a bit of GTA Online finally.  And it’s a bit dumb.  Ignore for a moment that the servers are jacked, meaning that for most folks it’s still a “Don’t get into the tutorial” stimulator, which isn’t a lot of fun.  Imagine the game is actually working.  Still kinda dumb.

So, first, you create your character.  But it’s not just a Saints Row “Make a character you like” system.  No, that would be too easy.  Instead, you have to choose from a dozen options for each of your grandparents, then adjust a slider to determine how much each if your parents look like their parents, then adjust another slider to determine how much you look like your parents to finally give you the character that you play.  It’s just as painful as it sounds.  I’m not suggesting that I should be able to design a robot or an alien, like in Saints Row.  But just being able to pick what my nose looks like without having to bust out a Punnett square would be nice.  Then you get to another screen, which determines your starting skills.  Why everyone doesn’t just start at zero and then build up in game I don’t know, but fine.  I’ll just dump all my points into driving, cause I suck at that and then I’ll just move on except of course you can’t do that!  No, you have screw with sliders defining how many hours of a day you spend sleeping, playing video games, working.  Each of these corresponds to your stats, so it takes about eight seconds to figure out how to game the system, making it pretty much pointless. But I played along, creating a dude who slept too much, and played video games the rest of the time he wasn’t working, giving me pretty much the same skillset as poetry much everyone else in the game.  Great.  Dunno why we had to go through all that.

But fine, that’s done.  You’ve got a character you don’t really like to look at with skills you don’t care about.  But it’s fine, because you can finally play the game, right?  Well, right after this remarkably long, unskippable opening sequence filled with hints on how to play the game you’ve literally just spent two weeks playing.  Then it’s on to a tutorial mission, that, if you can play, will have racing a computer, stealing drugs on your own, and robbing a liquor store, again, on your own.  Why they think your introduction to the online aspect of this game should all be single player missions basically identical to single player missions in the game you’ve already been playing I do not know.  But eventually it drops you into the world, which is just Los Santos.  You can do whatever you want in the city just like you would in freeplay, with the only real change being that there are fifteen other people in the world who probably want to kill you.  Not that they have anything against you, but there’s really only the one form of interaction in freeplay, and that’s random murder. So that happens.  Fortunately, Los Santos is big, and probably you won’t run into them if you don’t want to.  And even if you do, you can pay a hundred bucks to go into “Passive Mode” which means they can’t hurt you unless you agree to fight back.

So, fantastic.  We’ve got a ghost town version of Los Santos, uncomfortably devoid of the normal level of traffic on what has to be an attempt to keep processing power down for the online game, and a bunch of folks you’d rather not run into because they’ll probably kill you?  What’s the point?  Well, there are actual “Missions.”  Ranging from deathmatch to deathmatch, but with only one life, to races and some actually interesting game modes involving protecting packages or teaching to steal some item, which are, of course, never played because why do something interesting or fun when we could just be shooting each other?

But even these missions, which seem so simple, suffer from a severe case of “What the hell were they thinking?” There’s a “Balanced Teams” option, but because it’s an option, no one actually uses it.  Meaning that, for example, seconds before a match starts my whole team can switch to the other side, meaning that I’m playing a deathmatch of just me against five other people who all have better weapons than me, because they get more experience points from “Winning” matches like this.  Why the hell would that be an option?  Why would you do that?  And don’t even try to create your own match with that feature activated, because the match making service is just a broken mess.

Maybe this could be a fun game.  Fix the matchmaking, make sure you can’t abuse the system so obnoxiously, and provide some more gameplay modes.  The possibility for fun exists.  It’s so close you can almost taste it.  But now it’s just sort of broke.  Even when you can play.

There Are Some Elaborate Ways to Die GTA V

Not only are these deaths elaborate, but they are creative, too. One involves three vehicles. Actually, one doesn’t make sense. And it’s not the one labeled “???”. Lots of immovable objects and a few wild animals make Los Santos a very dangerous place. Be careful out there.

Best and Longest Probably GTA Police Car Chase

It gets pretty epic. One thing I did learn from this video is that the cops don’t drive very well on dirt roads. Or bridges. Or hills. Or with plastic explosive on their cars. This German is a pretty skilled driver and plastic explosive thrower.

Grand Theft Auto V Glitches Were Bound To Show Up on YouTube

It’s a gigantic Rockstar game, there are bound to be some glitches. Someone has gone through the trouble and found the best glitches Grand Theft Auto V has to offer and compiled them into one video. That sure is nice of them. Good will is important after all of the terrible things you do in Grand Theft Auto.

Your Grand Theft Auto Online Will Probably Have Microtransactions, Sorry


With less than a week until GTA Online launches for real, more information seems to be leaking out.  The biggest news being that the game appears to have microtransactions.  Bummer.

Still, not a huge deal.  They’re not charging you for the best gun in the game right off the bat or anything.  At least, probably not.  Right now the rumor is that you’ll be able to purchase in game chunks of money ranging from a hundred grand up to a million and a half bucks.  So, if you don’t have the time to complete the missions required to earn the money to buy your awesome gun, you can still afford it.  Course, the trade off is that you still have to level up to make the guns available, so unless there’s a “Buy a bunch of XP” feature as well, that money is gonna be kind of pointless.  Also, if you don’t have the time to play the game the way it’s intended, why are you investing more money in the game?  You’re paying more money to not play the game.  That’s insane troll logic.

From Destructoid

GTA Opening Feels Weird in 16-Bit

The opening cinematic for Grand Theft Auto V is very… cinematic. It really sets you up for the epic adventure you are about to have. Cram that into 16-bit SNES graphics and it feels off. All the hot women are now pixelated and oddly proportioned. It’s like I can’t accept anything that doesn’t have a giant head as real in SNES land. My giant head hurts, I’m going to lay down.

Conan Has the Best Grand Theft Auto V Review

Well, it’s not so much a review as it is the unbridled joy of someone playing Grand Theft Auto for the first time. It’s really a special gaming experience that you forget about until you see someone else go through it. A lot of us got our first taste in Grand Theft Auto III, but there still some out there that get that joy. Conan is now one of them. Look at him accomplish a mission… sort of. Well, the best part is his vendetta against a strip club. Oh, man, that building should be destroyed.