Robert Rodriguez stretches a joke that was funny for about two minutes out to minute two hundred and fourteen. Maybe some really godawful cg is what we needed to make it funny again.
Jerk ass pirates remind us that pirates are actually kind of assholes, right before we’re all to pirate it up in Assassin’s Creed IV.
Romeo and Juliet
That awesome girl from True Grit and that guy from nothing you’ve ever heard of team up to rake in some of that sweet, sweet “Movie that gets played right before Christmas break in Ninth Grade English because no one’s going to learn anything today anyway” money.
George Clooney and Sandra Bullock go to space. Things go poorly. Open Water, but in the vast expanse of space poorly.
Justin Timberlake and Ben Affleck team up to make you question your sexuality. Also… something about online poker.
Wolverine’s kid gets kidnapped, and that annoying little shit from There Will Be Blood is probably responsible, so Wolverine ties him to a bathroom pipe and tortures him. Meanwhile Jake Gyllenhaal is really Gyllenhaal-y.
Battle of the Year
James “Sawyer” Ford uses his basketball coaching experience to teach Chris Brown how to dance and also hopefully stop beating women.
The Wizard of Oz: An IMAX 3D Experience
Wizard of Oz, a movie literally every human being in the first world has seen, available again, this time in 3D, because we’re morons and will apparently pay for anything if you say 3D after it.
Tags: Battle of the Year
, Chris Brown
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Robert DeNiro plays the same character he plays every time, but this time in France, because it’s a Luc Besson movie, and that’s just where he does things.
Insidious: Chapter 2
More Insidious, but with less face paint demon, and more naked fat guy. The number of scary things that suddenly appear behind Patrick Wilson whenever the camera cuts back to him will remain about the same, however.
Riddick is back to hiding on a planet with nighttime monsters. Only this time around he’s got a whole team of other super duper killers, and not a bunch of whiny jerks.
The Ultimate Life
The sequel “The Ultimate Gift” which is a thing that I’m sure makes sense to someone, somewhere?
Ethan Hawke does one of these “You have to crime for me or I’ll kill your wife” dealies. It looks tremendously bad.
One Direction: This is Us
Those guys sing some songs. In 3D, probably?
Something about terrorism? And court rooms? And secret spy stuff?
Ip Man, but much more slow motion-y and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon-y.
The World’s End
Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg finish up their Blood and Ice Cream trilogy with a movie about robots taking over a small town that would probably be more exciting if they hadn’t given away the robot part in the trailer. Nick Frost tags along, as always, and Martin Freeman is upgraded from “Hey, is that the guy from The Office in that one scene?” that he played in the first two movies to an actual character.
TheMortal Instruments: City of Bones
Young adult Supernatural… something. It’s so hard to keep them straight these days. A young girl is drawn into a secret world of supernatural monsters and then she has to decide if she wants to make out with that one strong but dangerous dude.
A bunch of murderers show up and try to kill a bunch of people in a house because of unclear reasons. It sounds terrible, but most folks seem to think it’s pretty great. I’m unwilling to research further, in case learning the reason it’s great would ruin the great. Maybe just assume all those folks know what they’re talking about and check it out.
Did anyone ever stop to ask if we need a Kick-Ass 2? We’re probably going to go see it, because we want to see Hit-Girl kill some folks, which is why it was made. But is it going to do anything for us? Is it going to enhance the experience? Or is it just going to weaken it?
Kelso plays Steve Jobs as he essentially creates the personal computer, and then becomes recognized as the world’s foremost innovator for making a slightly nicer MP3 player.
Harrison Ford and Gary Oldman just really slum it so Thor Jr can get a starring role in an exciting thriller.
Lee Daniels’ The Butler
Luckily they added that “Lee Daniels’” bit on the front there, thus ensuring that you don’t confuse it with almost hundred year old silent film with the same title. Thank god Warner Brothers was on top of that! Also, check this factoid out: It’s written by Danny Strong. Yeah, that short kid Buffy was always saving. Weird, right?
Cyborg Matt Damon fights robots, space samurai cyborgs, and health care debate metaphors.
Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters
Percy Jackson continues to do the “Harry Potter, except with Greek Myths this time” thing.
We’re the Millers
Something about… pot dealers? It’s like a low key Jason Sudeikis version of Breaking Bad, in movie form.
Disney co-opts Pixar’s worst movies for an even worser direct to video spin off, and then thinks “Wait, we could somehow make this worse! Let’s release it in theaters, like it’s a real movie!”
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