Star Trek Into Darkness
I say “New Releases” but it’s really just Star Trek, because, honestly, would you go up against Star Trek? No, that would be crazy talk. So it’s Star Trek. Go see it.
Tag Archive for New Releases
Star Trek Into Darkness
The Great Gatsby
Finally, the story told the way F Scott Fitzgerald always wanted it told. With lots of Jay Z rapping in the soundtrack.
Come on now. We just had a Tyler Perry movie. Spread em out a bit, guys. We can only hope this one has a message as uplifting as “You don’t love God as good as me, so you deserve AIDS.”
Pain and Gain
This! Is! A! True! Story! That’s… I’m sure Michael Bay thought that was subtle.
The Big Wedding
What the hell is this? “With an all-star cast led by Robert De Niro (well… okay) Katherine Heigl (worrisome) Diane Keaton (uh-oh) Amanda Seyfried (too many names!) Topher Grace (Eric Foreman’s still in things?) with Susan Sarandon and Robin Williams…” Nope. Those two names sealed it. This is one of those “look at how many names we jammed in this movie, it must be good!” movies. It’s gonna be a mess.
Similarities this movie shares with reality: 1. There was once a guy named Mickey Cohen. 2. Nothing else.
Jurassic Park 3D
I’m sure that scene in the kitchen where the CG dinosaurs look so out of place they might as well be glowing looks so much better with post production 3D layered over it.
The hell is thi-Oh. The tidal wave movie. Right.
Documenting the mining technique so terrible that it’s name would eventually become a curse word in the future/past that is Battlestar Galactica.
A Haunted House
The Scary Movie franchise was taken from the Wayans after the second one, but they still had so much still to say about things getting high near characters from recent horror movies, so they made their own.
The Great Gatsby
The version that made the controversial decision to remove all the rap music that really defines the story.
It’s like Great Expectations except sexier. And backwards. And possibly before Great Expectations? Yeah. I guess Great Expectations is a less sexy Wuthering Heights.
Tom Cruise works in a space iPod or something, and he’s going to clean up the planet, but then something bad happens, and there are flashlight dogs. Also Morgan Freeman.
The Lords of Salem
Rob Zombie makes another “movie.” Either you love Rob Zombie unconditionally or you hate this.
The Place Beyond the Pines
Don’t get this confused with the other “Ryan Gosling is an awesome criminal who’s also an awesome driver but tends to grimace a lot” movies. That’s a very specific role to be typecast in.
Scary Movie 5
Several memorable things happened this year. Keeping track of all of them can be hard, but luckily Scary Movie collected them all in one place, and added fart noises to them.
Jackie Robinson attempts to join white people baseball, but he has trouble, because people are often assholes. Luckily team owner Han Solo really likes money, and he knows this will make him more in the long run, so racism is ultimately defeated.
The inexplicable remake of Evil Dead. Because that’s something that we really need. God knows we couldn’t just write a new movie about evil spirits possessing stupid teenagers. It had to be Necronomicons and Deadites. Blech.
Jurassic Park 3D
Because we couldn’t have an Evil Dead remake be the most ridiculous cash grab this week, could we?
1. G.I. Joe: Retaliation – $41,200,000
It’s very important that we forget how much money this movie made as soon as possible, so that our surprise and dismay when they announce their next movie based on a popular toys line is genuine. “Why would they make a movie based on toys? Does anyone want to see that?” Clearly forty-one million dollars worth of people want to see that, and that’s just opening weekend. We’re dumb.
2. The Croods – $26,500,000
Nicholas Cage’s hair must have been distraught to learn that it wasn’t in this movie.
3. Tyler Perry’s Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor – $22,300,000
Come on now. Twenty-two million for “basically the same plot Tyler Perry’s done three times?” This is almost as bad as watching an hour and a half long toy commercial disguised as a movie.
4. Olympus Has Fallen – $14,000,000
Only a short time to enjoy this terrorist attack the white house movie before that other terrorist attack the white house movie comes out.
5. Oz The Great and Powerful – $11,605,000
This entire audience consists of people who were going to see Spring Breakers, before remembering that “James Franco in cornrows” is something that no human being actually wants to see.
6. The Host – $11,002,000
A sad sixth place opening due to featuring far less half naked werewolf boy than your Stephanie Meyer fans prefer, and far less giant korean squid monster than your fans of movies called “The Host” prefer.
GI Joe: Retaliation
The ridiculously delayed sequel to GI Joe: Rise of the Cobra is finally released, allowing us to finally see all those differently colored ninjas and cool cars that can easily be converted into toys.
Stephanie Meyer’s Invasion of the Body Snatchers, but with more shiny things. So many shiny things. Like the vampires before them, Stephanie Meyer continues to show her love for things that sparkle.
Tyler Perry’s Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor
Calm down with the title there, TP. Bad enough you’re still attaching your name to everything, but did you think you could distract us from that by adding a ridiculously long subtitle? Just make the ass end of the title so long that no one notices your name up front? We noticed.
Olympus Has Fallen
Gerard Butler Die Hard’s the White House. If you want to have some fun, just check out some of the YouTube comments on the trailer. It’s apparently some sort of magnet for crazy people with conspiracy theories.
Nick Cage leads his family of cave people, Ryan Reynolds shows up and ruins everything. Like usual!
Attractive women hang out with James Franco, get into some bad situations.
Tiny Fey and Paul Rudd are adorable. I’m sure there’s something else to take away from this, but… no, that’s all I’ve got.
The ShamWow guy puts out yet another one of his random unfunny sketch movies, composed largely out of sketches he filmed years ago, and are now selling again. Only this time he’s managed to convince people to put it in theaters instead of sold on TV between Girls Gone Wild videos.