Gangster Squad
Similarities this movie shares with reality: 1. There was once a guy named Mickey Cohen. 2. Nothing else.

Jurassic Park 3D
I’m sure that scene in the kitchen where the CG dinosaurs look so out of place they might as well be glowing looks so much better with post production 3D layered over it.

The Impossible
The hell is thi-Oh. The tidal wave movie. Right.

Promised Land
Documenting the mining technique so terrible that it’s name would eventually become a curse word in the future/past that is Battlestar Galactica.

A Haunted House
The Scary Movie franchise was taken from the Wayans after the second one, but they still had so much still to say about things getting high near characters from recent horror movies, so they made their own.

The Great Gatsby
The version that made the controversial decision to remove all the rap music that really defines the story.

Wuthering Heights
It’s like Great Expectations except sexier. And backwards. And possibly before Great Expectations? Yeah. I guess Great Expectations is a less sexy Wuthering Heights.

1. G.I. Joe: Retaliation – $41,200,000
It’s very important that we forget how much money this movie made as soon as possible, so that our surprise and dismay when they announce their next movie based on a popular toys line is genuine. “Why would they make a movie based on toys? Does anyone want to see that?” Clearly forty-one million dollars worth of people want to see that, and that’s just opening weekend. We’re dumb.

2. The Croods – $26,500,000
Nicholas Cage’s hair must have been distraught to learn that it wasn’t in this movie.

3. Tyler Perry’s Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor – $22,300,000
Come on now. Twenty-two million for “basically the same plot Tyler Perry’s done three times?” This is almost as bad as watching an hour and a half long toy commercial disguised as a movie.

4. Olympus Has Fallen – $14,000,000
Only a short time to enjoy this terrorist attack the white house movie before that other terrorist attack the white house movie comes out.

5. Oz The Great and Powerful – $11,605,000
This entire audience consists of people who were going to see Spring Breakers, before remembering that “James Franco in cornrows” is something that no human being actually wants to see.

6. The Host – $11,002,000
A sad sixth place opening due to featuring far less half naked werewolf boy than your Stephanie Meyer fans prefer, and far less giant korean squid monster than your fans of movies called “The Host” prefer.